let him fly

“I’ve been missing you lately and it really pisses me off. You think I’d get over that, what, five years ago? Why now? It honestly makes me angry, because I’m so happy right now. I don’t understand it..” #textsillneversend

“I was thinking about you yesterday, and the day before.. & well.. now. It’s amazing to me that it’s been six years and this month can still remind me of you. & snow on Valentine’s. When snow was a big deal.. when Valentine’s was a big deal. Now none of it really is. I wonder sometimes how different our lives might have been. If you were marrying me and not her. If I was with you the last five years and not him. I wonder this, I write this, I delete it. It’s not relevant. What ifs are pointless. I’m so happy. You seem happy. Our lives took different paths. But still here is February and in the back of my mind there you are. I wonder if it’ll always be that way. It hasn’t brought me down in years. It’s just there. A lingering thought. A passing thing. It comes and it goes and then I’m up again, with my own life. & there you are, a thousand miles away with yours. I really hope you’re doing wonderful. I really hope even though we’ll never see each other again that we always keep in touch. I really hope that the world only brings you the things you’ve always seemingly been searching for. & I hope.. that someday I’ll send this message that I’ve written every year..” - #textsillneversend

[february 2010]

i guess this is goodbye

sometimes it’s so hard to find the words you want to say, but you know that you have to search anyway. you know that you need to approach it from a different angle, so that you might understand a little better.

i honestly have no idea what just happened. what happened to my life, my heart, my entire reason for living every day. it’s failed to show up when i needed it most and now it’s gone forever. i’m positive you don’t know what you’re doing. you don’t know what you’re saying, and some day you’re going to look back and want to take it back.. just like i did when i opened my eyes and realized it wasn’t a dream. i wanted to take back the entire yesterday and have it never have happened, but then again i would take back the last year and do it all over again.

you don’t really know what you want or what you need, but i hope that you find it somewhere along the way. i was ready to wait for the rest of my life for you, and if you’re looking for someone else who will sacrifice as much as i have.. you’re going to need the best of luck. i don’t think a single soul would give all that i’ve given, would hold on as long, would give you the benefit of the doubt time and time again. but i still wish you everything you’ve ever dreamed of. as soon as you find it, let me know so i can pray for that.

i got in my car and wanted to drive to some distant land. where no one knew me and no one could see right through me. where no one could tell me they told me so and no one could say i deserved anything better than all i’ve ever wanted. i couldn’t find it, because i know it doesn’t exist. so i drove right through a red light, wondering if i was really supposed to live without you. i prayed some lightening bolt would strike and hit so hard i’d never have to see the world again. because if i looked and you weren’t there, what was the point of being there at all. but i’m still here.

it hasn’t really sunk in that you’re really gone. even though you left me so long ago, i see you leave me every single day. you come back and you pull away again. you’re back and forth and you always have been. you lead me here and you lead me there and i just follow like i don’t even mind. i never did, but i guess i do now. i hope she deals with everything okay, i hope she knows that she’ll never be me. i hope she knows she’s just temporary.

but i guess, in the end, so was i. temporary until you find something else you think you want, you think you need, until the next temporary fix to something you’ll never find.

i don’t know where to start, because i haven’t really realized i’ve reached the end. where do you go from here? i was ready to give my entire life. i wanted to be apart of yours forever. i had made up my mind. i was ready for forever, i guess you never will be.

i know why you were scared and we both know it wasn’t because of me. you weren’t ready to see it in front of your face. you weren’t ready to tell me you didn’t love me. you weren’t ready to tell my crying eyes that you never wanted to see them again. because you’re not over it. and you never will be. go ahead and pretend and if that makes you happy then that’s what i want too. i’ll try to lie as well as you, but i’ve never been the best at that. i’m not as trained as you are in that department. just don’t tell me otherwise, but then again you’re not telling me anything anymore.

and yes you owe me more. i never said it in spite, i meant for all we’d been through. for every day and every second that was irreplaceable. for every night we shared together. for every time i cried with you. for every moment i thought that you would step it up. that you would be the one for me. for every time you broke my heart.

i never said i made it easy, i know i made it hard as hell. i apologized so many times, i’m sorry for how i feel. i blame myself sometimes for never letting go. i blame myself for everything, but what does that help? so sometimes i blame you for hurting me so much, but sometimes i also hate myself for making excuses for everytime you made me cry. you gave me the happiest and most horribly sad moments that i will ever live, but i wouldn’t take it back. i’d never take it back.

i never wanted it to be like this, i never wanted you to leave. i never wanted us to stop talking, you said we never would. but you said you’d never break me like this, so i guess sometimes promises are also broken. i know it’s not on purpose and i know that you’re so sorry. but i know this is what you wanted and that’s why i’m turning around.

i guess this is goodbye, i’m doing this for you. i’ll try to act like it’s what i need, because i know it’s what you think you do. never forget that you said it was the best time of your life as well. never forget that i’m the first girl you ever really fell in love with. never forget what i looked like laying next to you in the morning. never forget what my laugh sounds like or how my voice gets higher when you tease me. never forget that you are the love of my life and even though i’m mad sometimes, even though i’m trying to move on, even though i’m trying as hard as i can to hate you so much.. i just can’t.

this is goodbye and i’m trying to be strong. you say i’m so much more, but i remember when you called me scared. you still think i’m scared. and maybe i am. maybe, because you know that this was my biggest fear. i was right when i said the only man who will never leave me forever was my father and i’m not chancing that again. my last two years, my entire piece of mind. i’m saving it, they can’t have it. i’m not ready, i’m never giving in again.

i wanted so much more for you, for me, for us. i’ll never really know what goes on inside your head or what you’re really doing when you’re away. you’ll never tell me and now you don’t even have the chance. i’m trying to erase you, but all i know is you. i thought i needed one more chance, just a chance to have a real goodbye. i thought i deserved that, but i guess i never really did.

i hope you remember how it felt everytime we kissed, remember how i felt. i hope you remember my whole family loved you and they never wanted you to go away, they cried too and they say goodbye. i hope you remember how long i waited, how much of me i gave to you, how i’d do it all again without a second thought.

i wanna say i’m a phone call away, but you don’t want to hear me now. i don’t want to know what’s going on, i just can’t bare it. i never was your friend, and i know i never can be. i can never be around you and not want to be with you. so good luck again, with everything i’ll never get about you.

good luck,
you are the love of my life.
and i guess..
this is goodbye.

[april 4, 2005]

Just a warning, this next one is SUPER long. But I wrote it after I finally gave up on him. It’s pretty crucial to this process. I have yet to re-read it.. so I will after I post it.

no title

they say that they’ll love you,
they say they’ll never leave you.
you’re tired of them lying to you.
because all they end up doing
is loving like they’d never leave
and then leaving like they never loved.

my blankets bite back

i don’t know when it began, but i’ve started to notice how my blanket seems to be stuffed unevenly. the feathers don’t seem to fancy me quite enough to fill my side each night. i’m so unsatisfied. i sigh each time as i gently pat it down to where it looks symmetrical enough for me, but i know it’s inevitable that by tomorrow it will be just the same.

i contemplated over and over again, what could cause this problem and finally i came to some sort of conclusion. maybe in time my hands have started to hold on a tiny bit too tight. i hold everything too close, but before the night is over what means most still gets away from me. and each time i sacrifice to get it back, i still have to understand that it’s just a temporary fix.

i’m so close, but somehow i’m still a thousand miles away.

i never meant to conclude in such a manner, but if i don’t let them inside then they don’t have the chance to stray. if you don’t feed their mouths, then it won’t feel like home. i can’t give any reason for them to think the contrary of how i feel. if you don’t attach yourself then you never have to detach yourself, and if you don’t have to detach yourself then it doesn’t have to hurt when they don’t come back.

so, i’ll stay awhile. i’ll smile awhile. and then i’ll say my peace. no one said i can’t be happy, but i said i just can’t let it happen again.

but with you, i can’t seem to alter my decision of still holding on with monster grip. i used to try and push it, but i’ve accepted since that it won’t budge. you will be my exception, to everything that scares me. to a world that will never hold me, because i won’t get close enough for it to touch me.

you might wander, but i always tell the voice inside my head that you’re just taking a little walk. so you can breathe, so you can be free. ‘he’ll be back’, i promise myself. but you were right. i’m complicated, i’m confusing, i’m stubborn and i’m strange. i’m all of the above and i’m not sure if i’m ready to change it.

so, i’ll smooth out the blanket tonight and hold on as if i were holding on to you. and i’ll hope that one morning when i wake up..
that the blanket is holding on right back.

[february 18, 2005]

take the risk, mister audacious

i feel some slight seperation, as i hold our relationship between my fingers. not quite something i want to mend into a stronger bond, i think we’ve fought hard enough to keep this thicker than steel. it’s just a temporary tension, i feel it quickening my heartbeat. i can hear the difference in your laughter and i’m searching for the words in between, the ones you’re just not speaking. i’m inching closer still, and i’m so surprised you’re not holding up your hand to politely guide me away. i’m petrified in every step, tilting my head remotely to the side and pondering on why you’re letting me back over the line that we are both fully aware of.

i’ve grown impatient with the nameless trepidations i’ve let sit dormant for too long. i’m beginning to apprehend a sleeping form of my anxiety, awaking inside. i’m sitting opposite of the conversation i used to carry alone and handing it over to you. you can hold it while i gather my composure and wipe the smudge marks from behind these glassy eyes.

i’m delusional with sleeplessness, just trying to make out my own sentences. i’m a little weary of resting my worries underneath my pillow every night, hoping if i sleep on them that in the morning something will have changed.

no matter how much space i put in between my days, i’ll keep working on getting closer to tomorrow. because regardless of the progress i’ve made, my home still lies in yesterday. i have come to comprehend how much power i have, in changing my peace of mind, but we both know i’m never going to take that back from you. it might always be under your control, instead of mine.

make me look forward to the day after next,
i dare you.

[january 31, 2005]

i never even asked you to

hinking back to who we were and every second we spent together, i’m beginning to recall a pattern in my choices made. i can’t remember a single time i ever asked for a solitary possession from you, not one single thing. when in a normal situation, similar to my own, i’m certain another girl might have been more demanding than i. i guess that’s what true love had done to me.

i never asked you to get to know me, but a moment passed and there we were in each others heads. so quickly time flew by and each second brought a new discovery about one another. only making the feelings i had grow stronger still.

i never asked you to understand me, but unlike anyone i’d ever come in contact with before.. you took in every word as if it was my last and you analyzed them all and spit them right back out. you showed me who i really was, before i even knew myself. you were never scared to show me exactly how i looked, from the other side of life’s two sided mirror.

i never asked you to grow fond of me, but each word you spoke was unforgettable. each feeling grew a little stronger and even though we grew apart, once we spoke again it was quite evident that the bond was just as strong. and since then it has been proved time and time again, that it can never be broken.

i never asked you to kiss me, but i remember there in my bed of my once old modest house, you leaned in close and my world was changed all because of the simplistic fact that i loved the way your lips felt on mine.

i never asked you to fall in love with me, but that night you bared your soul to me and i took in every breath. i found it hard to not break down, by sheer joy of all my world being in your eyes. and in your eyes was all i needed to know.

i never asked you to be the one for me, but you were everything i’d never experienced before in my life. i never asked for you to be my first, but i’d never felt so comfortable and close to anyone or anything like that before. i never asked you to give me the best time of my life, the time that won’t ever be replaced. i never asked you to change me, but i’ll never be the same. i never asked you to break my sensitive heart, but it was so hard to watch you walk away..

i think with my record, i thought it was clear enough. that i’d never ask you to stay. i have contemplated every single day the decisions i had made and i don’t know what they might have changed. but dear, i knew you more than anyone deserved all you could withhold, all the satisfaction you could stand. i would give up every dream i’ve ever had, ever wish i’ve ever made. i’d give away my entire world, just to see you succeed in this world you’ve made for yourself.

but every night i kept thinking that maybe if i didn’t ask, my backwards cycle would work again. i’d never ask you for anything, but still you would always be there. and even though you left anyway, i keep thinking.. if i never ask you to come back, maybe someday i’ll open my eyes to see why i’ve held on. maybe you’ll be there with me.

i’ll never ask you to keep loving me. i’ll never ask you to take me back someday. i’ll never ask you to call me every now and then, so i don’t forget your voice. i won’t ask you to not forget the memories we’ve made. i won’t ask you to hold on to hope.

i won’t ask you to be the only love i’ll ever know.
but i guess that one goes unsaid.

[january 29, 2005]

i can’t tell him that he has exposed me

you’ll slowly pull away the blankets
i’ve knit with my very own hands.
one by one you strip me
off every stitch that’s covered me.
they’ve sheltered me,
it’s hiding me.
but i’m so scared to be the real me.
let me have back the cloth
that lets me pretend i’m warm again.
i just want to grasp on to something..
anything.
but you take it away slowly.
the only thing you’ve done
is remind me of who i really wish
could be wrapped around me.
and in the sense of feeling free,
you’ve discovered me.
you’ve uncovered me.
and all i really feel now,
is all my vulnerability.
i’ve resorted back to the cling
i’d always run from before.
i told myself if i could just hold tight
to those sheets at night,
i wouldn’t want for every second
of every waking moment
to be spent holding you.
but i was simply uttering false comfort.
and i’m still awake
inside this empty space.
you’re still miles away
from everything i’ll ever be.
i’ve never been good at lying
and you’ve never been good at pretending.
so why don’t we stop this torturing
that keeps us up at night.
why don’t we rest our worried minds,
why don’t we destroy this complicated time.
why don’t we shed our anxieties,
why don’t we lie in this bed together tonight.
and finally be everything
that we’re terrified to be.

[january 28, 2005]

take a walk down our broken memory lane

a year ago you uttered words that implied a much different annual memory of the day. as if we’d put effort in every decision we made together, through it all. a year ago i never thought i’d be sitting here without you, wondering where the time went. and still in the back of my mind, i’m here wanting to go back to a time where we were perfect.

twelve months ago i never knew what would come of what we were doing. i never thought you would overwhelm me. i never thought you’d overcome me. i never thought you would turn my world into a place i’d learn to love.

a year ago i never thought i’d find the perfect moment, every girl fantasizes about. it was real in every sense and i’d never take back or change a second of it. i’d repeat every mistake i made, because to me beautiful mistakes aren’t mistakes at all.

three hundred and sixty-five days ago i never thought i’d ever find it in me to have the feeling of anger toward you. i never thought i’d see the day where i’d ever pray that i’d just despise you. i never figured i’d ever have to move on. because that day, a year ago, you told me you weren’t ever giving up on us. i guess somewhere along the way, you were forced to.

a year ago i never thought we’d ever be in the situations we were placed in. i never thought i’d have to forgive you for hurting me. i never thought i’d blame myself. i never dreamed that every night i’d cry myself to sleep, just wanting to go back to where we were that day.

twelve months ago i never knew i’d be back in that same place. today i stand in the footsteps of a year ago. loving you more than i loved anything before. loving you as if the last year was just a figment of my imagination. loving you has strengthened every bone inside my body. loving you has hardened the very ground i walk on. loving you has broken and in turn has healed the heart that only beats because it hopes that one day you’ll give it the second chance to love you like it did.. a year ago.

a year ago i made a blind leap into the place i’d never been,
that i still haven’t come back from.
don’t waste your precious time on sending a search party.
i’ve come to like it here.
i think i’ll stay.

[january 20, 2005]